When parents separate, deciding where children will live, how much time they'll spend with each parent, and how key decisions will be made is often the most emotionally charged part of the process. Most parents can reach these agreements without a judge and doing so through mediation is usually faster, cheaper, less damaging to your co-parenting relationship, and more tailored to your family's specific needs.
👨👩👧 The vast majority of separated parents reach child arrangements by agreement either informally between themselves, through solicitors, or through mediation. Court is not the default; it is the last resort.
What Are Child Arrangements?
Child arrangements refer to all decisions about your children's lives after separation, including:
Living Arrangements
Where children primarily live and which parent they spend nights with.
Contact Schedule
When children spend time with the non-resident parent — weekends, evenings, holidays.
School & Education
Which school children attend, how decisions about schooling are made jointly.
Holidays & Celebrations
How school holidays, Christmas, birthdays and special occasions are shared.
Medical & Health
How medical decisions are made, who attends appointments, sharing information.
Communication
How children stay in touch with each parent when with the other — calls, messages.
Why Mediation Works for Child Arrangements
Family court deals with child arrangements through a rigid legal framework hearings, evidence, Cafcass reports, and ultimately a judge's order. The process is designed for cases where parents cannot agree at all, or where a child's safety is at risk. For most separating parents, it is far more than is needed, and far more damaging than the situation warrants.
Mediation allows you to have real conversations about what your children actually need. Rather than presenting legal arguments, you discuss your children's routines, preferences, friendships, school life, and relationship with each parent. The mediator helps you both stay focused on the children rather than on your grievances with each other.
What Happens in a Child Arrangements Mediation Session?
Sessions typically last 90 minutes to 2 hours. Both parents attend (in person or online). The mediator manages the conversation, ensures both parties are heard, and helps you work through each issue systematically. Sessions are confidential what is discussed cannot be used in court unless agreed otherwise.
A typical agenda for a first child arrangements session might cover:
- Current living situation and what is and isn't working
- The children's needs, routines, and any particular concerns
- A proposed regular contact schedule to discuss and refine
- Holiday arrangements initial thoughts
- Key decisions to work through in future sessions
What Can You Agree in Mediation?
In mediation, you can agree everything that a court order would typically cover, including:
- Where the children will live (primary residence)
- A weekly contact schedule which nights, school pickups, etc.
- School holiday splits half-term, summer, Christmas, Easter
- How birthdays and special occasions are shared
- Arrangements for parents' holidays abroad with children
- How medical decisions are made and information shared
- A communication plan between parents
- How the plan will be reviewed as children grow
Making Your Agreement Legally Binding
An agreement reached in mediation is set out in a document called a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU). This is not automatically legally binding it is a written record of what you've agreed.
If you want your agreement to be legally enforceable, you can apply jointly to the court to have it made into a Consent Order. This is a straightforward process you are not asking a judge to make decisions, simply asking the court to formalise the agreement you've already reached. Most consent order applications are processed on paper without a hearing.
What If We Can't Agree on Everything?
Mediation doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. You might agree on most arrangements but remain stuck on one specific issue say, which school the children attend, or whether one parent can take them abroad for two weeks. In that case, you can apply to court for a ruling on just that issue, rather than handing over all decision-making to a judge.
Partial agreements still save significant time and money, and they keep both parents in control of most of their children's arrangements.
What About the Children's Views?
Children's wishes are considered in any child arrangements process, and their age and maturity are taken into account. In mediation, there is an option for a child consultant — a trained professional who can speak with children separately and feed their views into the mediation process in an age-appropriate way. This is called Child Inclusive Mediation and can be particularly valuable for older children or teenagers who have strong views about their arrangements.
📞 If you're worried about broaching the subject of mediation with your ex-partner, we can contact them on your behalf with an invitation. Many people are more open to mediation when they hear about it from a neutral third party.
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